A guide to surviving the worst, whether it’s a fever or life itself

Hope is a scam, but you'll get better anyway

After a pretty long unintentional break, I have not only run out of words but also just juice in general.

January ended with rigorous, repetitive and intense work - that was a world of its own. I think work even though intense and boring - is highly stimulating especially when it’s novel. I was seeing things for the very first time, it was the very first time I entered a space, where I would find myself quite often in the coming days. Uniforms, and gowns and bands and the full jazz of being who I was.

I was confronted with the full circle of my choices, many years ago I had once stepped into a court proceedings, vowing never to entangle myself in any of this and here I am. The courts haven’t left me alone. Why would they, I was their child after all

My eyes are fresh with memories of lawyers running around, arguing parents and my young uncle, taking me out for ice cream. Court time was always intense. The gowns were always fascinating. The way the lawyers moved around and about with purpose.

There something very very alive in courts that can even fix the ugliest of corporate burnouts.

Lady Justice could be dancing at night, just like me and posing stationary in the morning for all of us to see, see her in all her glory and then to realize it’s all just a facade.

In the stupidest of ways, I found myself very very ill. The illness took over me right before I had to leave for Court, my mind was paralyzed. I was asleep and awake - floating between two very different worlds I heard voices of dead loved ones, calling on me to tell me something and right at the next instant I was thinking of the judge issuing a favorable order.

I was in between the credible and the incredible. I disappointed myself and chose to come back here. I was wide awake with 101, and then 102 and 103. It went on and on for days. Till one fine day the fever did not possess me anymore. It was done with whatever it had to do within me. I was forced to rest and not so much because even a moment was not without discomfort.

I was always pursuing myself, in attempts to snap out of this imposition of ill health. When It finally left, it left a void. The void in my waistline, my shirts and everything I owned, I was smaller and slower and fatigued and worse I had no fever to show for it.

I was hoping to decode this tyranny and I realized it’s not all too special, and somewhere someone - perhaps very close is stuck in the same cycle. We were all possessed by the winds that chose to defile us.

I came back to this reality and I thought of all the times, I was betrayed by pretty eyes and not so pretty smiles. And how I thought I had under-delivered and somehow still felt empty, overextended.

The contrast between the sharp, structured world of the courts and the chaotic, dreamlike state of my illness washed over me.

I was rolling around in my carpet trying to keep myself alive and hold it down. I was also stuck in rooms watching and watching something I never chose in front of ears that never heard, I was on floors sometimes cleaning up and sometimes throwing up. It was a long night, spanning over multiple weeks.

There’s really no point in believing everything you see, and hearing anything at all. I think worms really have it right.

I tried to keep myself alive for an entire week, realizing that life still demands its due—routine, nourishment, movement and this is how -

i. water lots of it and track it or it didnt really happen

ii. skip food because it will only make u ill

iii. turmeric lattes :P

iv. wrap a cloth on ur head to prevent it from splitting open

v. wear socks always as a layer of protection against bad juju

vi. atleast have one fight to let off some steam

vii. watch murder mysteries + true crime to cultivate gratitude and positive thinking

viii. Eat your feelings even if u get sick, your mouth shouldn’t get too lonely

ix. Always have back up in all ways

x. stretch ur butt in a cat-cow variation

xi. Lose all hope, seriously - Hope will drain your energy

xii. You will 100% get better, hours after you give up

Once I hacked health and exorcised my illness, I realized I now have to perform life again and I am still responsible for feeding, breathing and watering myself. That was a bummer.

I was reading a lot and finally got very dangerously close to finishing a book, when I freaked out and started pacing around instead. I think that might be the most healing activity ever.

As I took the mellowest, smoothest cab ride back home, when the city lights starting closing in on me- and it was time for questions on legitimacy of my entire existence, while the wind kissed me. I couldn't help but think of the smiles I was around all day, the runs back and forth in heels, the weight (files) lifting sessions, the bad coffee I had, the eyes that looked out for me and the spirits around me. I couldn’t escape the lightness of my days.